9:00 pm Central Daylight Time, wherever the hell we happen to be..

I don't know how I'm supposed to adjust to this new life, when some parts of my old one will probably never go away.

I guess it's time to start spilling the beans on some personal stuff. It's never been my thing, but I figure knowing somebody might make their seemingly outrageous stories a bit easier to digest, perhaps even believable. Not only that, but I guess I'm hoping it'll be some form of self therapy. As I just mentioned, I'm not one to share things. Not only that, I probably have the best poker face you'll ever see. No matter what negative emotion I'm feeling, I very rarely ever show it. Anything traumatic that's ever happened to me, I've just kept it bottled up over the years.

I've been completely distracted since last night. I woke up from a dream that I didn't want to end. I know that probably sounds silly, given my current situation, but I would trade all of this in a heartbeat for just one more day with Lily. Lily, my sweet, beautiful angel. No words I can say could ever do her justice, so I'm not certain I should even try. Back when this all started, I called myself a widower, and I guess that's partially misleading. We weren't married. We never had the chance. Less than two weeks before the wedding, she lost her life in a car accident. Taken from me forever, just like that, by a fucking drunk driver who ended up receiving a slap on the wrist and a stern talking to. I've always been a pretty forgiving person, but I don't think it'll ever happen in this case. I just can't. If hell existed, I would want him to burn. Not only that, I would want to be the one bringing about his eternal torment. Call it vengeful, call it heartless, call it what you will. But until you have your heart shattered in this manner, and you have the one person who means more to you than anything ever will taken away from you in this manner, I don't think anyone has the right to judge me.

This all happened several years ago. Sometimes I'm convinced that I've moved on, and that everything will be alright. But then things like last night's dream happen, and it all comes flooding back. Every emotion. After I lost her, I lost almost everything inside of me. I was completely empty. I don't think I ate for weeks. I didn't talk for weeks. I just simply wasn't there. My body was basically a vessel without a pilot. But all the while, my mind was screaming in sheer anguish. I've been through some bad times in my day, but nothing will ever even come close to holding a candle to that. That's the first thing I relive after dreaming about her. That gradually segueways into the happier memories of when we were together. Just little things. She spoke english well, but since Spanish was her native tongue, she would sometimes pronounce things a little different. She had a fondness for a candy called Whoppers, which are little chocolate covered malted milk balls. But she pronounced it "Wooopers," and I'd start a little playful argument about it. Just thinking about it now is making me smile. Little things that most people find trivial, aren't. I know that's kind of cliche, but it's absolutely true. Sometimes, the fondest memories are of the smaller things. She made it hard to sleep at night, because we could be doing something instead of sleeping. It seemed like a waste. And waking up in the morning was easy, because I knew the first thing I would do is see her. I don't give a crap if any of this sounds corny, I'm just telling it like it is. Or was..

And then, unavoidably, the void comes creeping back, and it stays with me for awhile. It's not like it was in the weeks after losing her, but it's still extremely painful. And it's crippling enough to make nothing else matter to me. I had to make a real effort to remember where I was, and what I was doing a couple of times today. I just don't care at the moment. And I feel like I'm leaving her behind. I don't know why, but it's certainly not helping me.

So, no FAQ as promised today. My head just isn't in the game. Might not be tomorrow either, guess I'll have to wait and see.